I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
