I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
