How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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