So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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