in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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