if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
