sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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