he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
