I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
