I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Can Purell be used as lube?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
