I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
a search helicopter?!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
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