I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
