don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
