New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
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She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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