i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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