My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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