My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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