Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
