Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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