a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
