No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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