Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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