hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize