i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
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I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
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Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.