it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
