My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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