i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
