Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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