The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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