I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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