It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
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