She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
