I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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