if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
