That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
