i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
