Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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