If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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