If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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