First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
