Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
