I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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