At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
