my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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