Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
