Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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