singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
