Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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