This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
