yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
