am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
