just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Let's get the cat blown out
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Randomize
