Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
