"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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