You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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