Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
