im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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