I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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