the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
