I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
being pregnant is like rehab
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
