I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
